In The Meantime.

ohhh fingers, how we'e missed writing eh?
A good ole war moie wil get you shivering and jonesing o splurge and purge huh Dal.

SO! muuuuch to say... and no willingness to fucking go there yet. I'm gunna pull a "Thomas" and soldier on. No pun intended. This is all life and death I'm pretty sure, and knowing myself I need atleast 3 days to process my reality; at least thats been the case my whole life.

I've returned to this slightly surreal lightness, where I'm comfortable faling up in my weirdness, bouncing around off the cracks in the sidewalks. I've got some goals, and I'm reaching them within normal timeframes, Odd. Im so human sometimes, it's a trip. I don't know what I THOUGHT I was, but thank God I can write in all my questionable moments as well. Josh is here. I miss that motherfucker.

I think the truth is I'm not weighted with who I've BEEN in Portland, nor trying to maintain some heroine facade for the public. I'm sorry loves, but you all can lovingly go fuck yourseles if you don't like my fucking flavor <3 I'm not as angry and hateful as I've always been, and I'm a far cry from the Walking Dangerfield Dead I'd surrendered to there for awhile. I'm alive again. Hurt, but not cornered. Cautious, but not paranoid. Any more...I'm on a conscious 2 week stall from that mind frame and insanity. I think 4 months will be more aper po but 2 weeks is a good fuckin' start.

p.s.: "golden light" by STRFKR

I'm ashamed and helpless at times when I realize how needy I've been when it comes to the dark part of life. I don't run as fast as I used to, and I don't hide as deeply, but there have still been those moments this last week where life bitch slapped me with what was, really, a beauitufl, freeing, hurtful realization that I have experienced two times too many. Maybe more.. oh yeah-I'm a fan of forgetting too haha. I slipped on my shades, and a beanie over my eyebrows, cursed the flourescent lighting and slipped into the night on back to a place my parents call "Home". I'll be free on my own soon. I can't wait to miss them. Fuck it, who doesnt like to miss what we love right? The whole fucking world apparently I've learned recently. I guess I'm learning a bit about that shit right now.
But I can breath for the first time in months, fuckin' truly, and it has nothing so much to do with the specifics of my situatuon. It's so much more of the simple, basic fact, that I cause my own sufffering. And I tend to assign long terms for it. I'm on break right now. Like I said, me and paranoia are on a two week parting of ways. We like to miss what we love the world has taught me. A little rearranging and I've caught up I guess. Is it obvious enough I didnt take a second thought to possibly missing myself. Wild open space...bombs away<3

</3 DTM.