*This is something that a friend wrote, and I even went so far as to ask him if I could share it, but that was me being SOMEwhat polite, because the fact is I HAD to share this, once I read it. And I'm a sorry shit for not waiting for a yes or no, and he may or may not ever see this, and hell he might've said yes already, who knows-I suck at checking my facebook haha, but it made me think (What a change in pace!) -and to finish my thoughts I write them. Hence: *
"I needed to write, and get some things off my chest.
This isn't for you, so please don't read it and be a critic. It's just free-writing.
This is for a specific person, and needs to be extremely revised before I send it... if I ever send it...
I don't fucking know...
Whatever...
So, there I was…
Literally, living in a cave.
I had a brick wall on one side of me, a single window and a bathroom dug into the side of the hill my neighbor’s house sat upon.
Every night I would stay inside, because the world outside seemed terrifying, and I don’t know about you, but I’m too smart to risk it for a party.
I was living with a girl, before, but I was just a cat-sitter, for her, really.
I smoked a joint with a new friend, one time, and thought to contact him…
And over time we started hanging out, mostly because I was bored of the two people I called friends, but really just used because I didn’t have the social confidence to go out, and meet people.
Besides, misery loves company.
So, when I moved into the cave and hardly knew a soul, I called our old friend to come and keep me company and smoke.
Over time he started introducing me to all his friends, and they would introduce me to their friends… and so on and so on, like a circus ride of undesired, useless, shallow people with nothing to offer but bad drugs and distractions from how unsatisfied I was with my life.
I kept shuffling through them like I do vinyl at a record store.
So there I was…
Literally, living in a cave.
There I was, when I met you.
You had dreadlocks, then. I remember how you smiled, and I remember telling Gabrielle that you made me feel wild. I said I think I fell in love, and now I know I did.
Honestly, up to this exact moment, right now… I didn’t think love at first sight existed.
Now, I look back and realize that I was smitten from the moment that I saw you, but you were taken.
Gabrielle informed me of the fact, and I almost hit the ground, but I was stronger then.
I played it cool, and always tried to be there for you, then… and when he dumped you, all I wanted was to pick you up again.
I knew I couldn’t.
It was too soon, so I played the part of friend… But every time I saw you hurt yourself, I intervened.
I learned you like I learned the cuts and scratches on my arms
I found out other guys had had you, since and fell apart
I told you then, I wanted you to be my only one, but I still wasn’t sure if I could trust you not to break my heart
I said if I was yours, and you were mine, I’d love you till I die
The day in Laughlin that you told me you would dedicate yourself to me changed my life, and I don’t think things will, honestly, ever be the same.
From that day on, I tried to keep myself from opening up, and in the first few months you caught me doing things I knew I should have not.
But then we talked, and you accepted me, and showed me how willing you were to fight for something… That conversation changed me… I was loyal from then on.
We got a dog. My Doughboy. He still misses you, every day…
My sister passed away, and I remember when the news came.
You got off work so you could be the one to hold and console me, but I wasn’t ready to let it fully hit me that she was gone.
I lost the part of me that made me lose the whole of you, that day…
We packed our bags and moved, to get away from friends that used us, and travelled north with your mom and brother, and that’s when I knew you were the one.
I remember hiking in Cayucos, and staring at you on the beach, thinking ‘Is this really mine?’
I’d hold you every night, and sit and listen to the fire, and I’ve never been so happy in my whole, entire, life.
I grew so close to Noah, that I saw him as my sibling, and I wanted him to see a person treat you how you should be.
Your mom was selfish, hurting and she made you feel neglected, but she loved you and I think it taught us all a valuable lesson.
We tried to get a place in Oregon, but winter was rolling in, and I don’t think you were ready to live alone on bad terms with your family.
I understood, completely.
So we came back to Arizona, and my parents took us in.
It wasn’t ideal, but we lived in a beautiful part of town.
When we returned, we learned that you were almost 4 months along.
To be honest, I was really happy… I thought how happy we could be.
I didn’t tell you, cause I knew we didn’t have the ability to raise a child, and you were pretty set on an abortion, so I spent my check to put an end to our unborn child.
I don’t blame you, and I don’t want that to be misconstrued.
I understand and love every single part of you.
So your emotions were a wreck, and I just sat there playing video games, and talking about the future like some day I’d get paid for doing fucking nothing.
I see now that I was lost because I couldn’t make you happy, and I my sister’s death was setting in.
I gave up on taking care of myself.
I gave up on caring about everything.
I tried to leave you, because I thought that it would make you happy.
Nothing that I tried to do could seem to mean anything, and so I left for a week… I couldn’t even bring myself to look at another girl… but you found someone to kiss.
At least that’s what you told me.
I cried for 2 days over that, but in the end, I realized that you were really mine… You still loved me, and you still wanted to wake up next to me.
I couldn’t have been happier, than when I made that realization.
By that time, though, your mom and brother had moved back, and you were finally able to spend time with them, and you were so annoyed and angry, because we were still living with my family.
I think you had high expectations, but I understand, especially now, because you were just having gone through an abortion.
I tried to be there for you all I could, but I know that it wasn’t enough.
I remember when we fought because you hung out with a person that I considered my enemy, and I acted like the biggest fucking piece of shit human being…
These are things I still can’t forgive myself for.
My dad and I were trying to build a trailer, for you and I to live in… but I never listened to your suggestions… and I made you feel uninvolved.
Everything I did in that trailer, I did for you… I can’t even sleep out there anymore.
We didn’t finish it. We still haven’t.
One day you suggested taking your mom’s old trailer out to the woods, and living in it for a while.
It fixed everything.
It really did.
I remember the way we would ravage each other, and walk… Bask in the sun and smile because Doughboy was so happy, and fit, and beautiful.
You were so beautiful.
I remember walking to the top of the mountain just to watch the storm roll in.
The next week we would hike in the white blanket.
I also remember how idiotic and weak I was when a drunken asshole showed up and blasted music.
I remember that you had to handle something I should have.
I hate myself for that.
I was a coward, and I know that still makes you angry, to this day.
After that, and being sick, and Doughboy being stuck inside a 30 ft trailer for a week, we ended up getting into another fight.
It was stupid.
We were stressed, and communication was getting weaker…
You moved in with your mom, and that’s about the time I think you fell out of love with me.
From then on, we saw each other every chance I had, and we would still hike and hang out and make love… but you hated it.
We couldn’t have the time we needed, or the space.
I felt ashamed every time I touched you, because you didn’t feel comfortable.
I understand.
It was nobody’s fault.
I didn’t lose a spark for you, I just felt that you were starting to.
I tried to hold onto you, like the memories I have now… but over time you distanced yourself.
The last time we fought you thought I told you that you weren’t beautiful, but what I meant is that you were, and I wasn’t enough for you.
I know that fight destroyed the last remains of your love for me, but the entire thing was misinterpreted, because I lost the will to fight anymore.
I remember everything.
I remember every moment.
I know everything I did wrong.
I know my apathy came from losing my sister, and I know it’s no excuse.
I’m changing now, and so are you… but I miss you so goddamn much
Not just because I loved you, but because you made me love…
You opened me like a book, and tore my rotten pages out.
I just wish you would stick around and write some more, with me.
I’ll always be here, for you.
I’m sorry for my actions.
I’ll try to find myself, and learn to redirect my passion.
I just want you to know that it’s not some superficial high school love story fit I am throwing when I cry for a week and a half straight…
I’ve never felt as connected to anybody, in my entire life…
I really mean it."
*All Credit goes to Rott En Flowers.
Dallas McMackin from here on out:
I used to have nothing to lose. I use to bear my soul in every step I took, in every look I gave, in every word I uttered. I had nothing to lose, so where was the hesitation? I gave no credit to "edit" and I was who I was, there was never any question in that. I guess I would say some of it was the drugs, and some would say it was, but I miss that about myself. To be honest, I don't know who I am anymore if you can't look at me and see me bleeding from the way I talk. I don't know how else to be true to myself, but to cut my mind and soul up into bite size peices and let only those who are willing to sample it, get close enough. But I used to make people worry, they used to fear for me, because I only was whatever I was feeling or going through at that moment, and now here I am, striding through bigger moments of life, nonchalantly. Unphased, and totally out of my element for that. I guess some would say I only know how to live in chaos, but the thing is I only know how to live %100. I only know how to invest my every molecule. These veins only have one mode, and that's to bleed themselves dry. This could all come off sounding very "emoyional" but I say this all very analytically. Very confused, not sad. But pondering, how can I find myself again? Or am I just still on the look out for something I've never even known. Would I even know what I was looking for if I saw it in the first place? Is this whole line of questioning, is this discomfort I describe of my current lifestyle, just my own inevitable perpetuation of a "comfortable level of chaos"?
Why do I ask so many questions? Lol.. Haha, aghh.. Really though, I just wonder sometimes. To quote Einstein, "The question that drives me hazy, is it me or the others who are crazy?" Am I really the "hard one" to deal with? Well, sometimes, yes. BUT, why is my loyalty a downfall? Why has this stronghold of my character caused me so much grief? I guess, because I have no control over others actions, or their expectations of me. But also because of the fact I want to love a person into loving themselves, and you can't DO that when drugs are involved...or even without the drugs possibly. I am absolutely haywire, trying to pick the lock on getting over a very recent wrongdoing, from someone whose life I have literally held in my hands. I fought for this boy's life every day, in one way or another for 2 fucking years. I bore the weight that he couldn't handle, I took the blows that would have taken him out, and I fucking held my head high for him too when he couldn't look in the goddamned mirror. I shouldn't have done a lot of the things that I chose to do FOR him, for a number of reasons. I shouldn't have done things for him just to hold them over his head later, or act like he owed me a favor in return. Or turn myself into a martyr, when no one could tell me what to do otherwise, and I was just hurting this same person with my actions, and then demanding credit for taking the punch that-if I wasn't so goddamned stubborn-we might have been able to dodge entirely. I'm questioning everything that has always been what's made me myself, and since I've started these questions I have had not a single answer. And I don't know if I am lost, less self-important that I originally thought, haha, or if this is life. Is this growing up? Are these the way the days unfold outside of chaos? Or I can dumb it up and say I'm bored. Which is true, I am bored, but that's not what's going on, big picture here.
"I think I'm dumb,
I think I'm dumb,
I think I'm dumb, or maybe just happy."
"Dumb" by Nirvana.
-dm. exhaustion&mybonesarewrithing&myjawyawnsonandonandon
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