*Literally. My face. First black eye ;o
Anyways I had a whole big pile of mushy "truth-ness"- 3 days worth of life and memories, goods vs. bads and my SHIT computer didn't save it/post it after 30 million exaggerated punches to that obnoxiously orange [Publish] button.
Liar...
*crosses arms*
Monday, June 1, 2015
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Billie Holiday says I'm a fool to love you,
<Written in March? I'm not quite sure of the exact time frame now-accidentally saved this as a draft because I prematurely ended it, but as sadly ironic as this is now, my desire to keep this blog nakedly truthful and starkly honest will have me posting it tonight 5.31.15 >
But I am a fool in many ways.
How I wish I could write this/type this on my bed 10 ft from where I sit now, barefeet nestled in the dirt outside my door, warm in my bed, I wish I could sit there, and smoke, and just be.
But like my existance has been for as long as I can remember,
I will struggle through this.
I don't know who fucking reads this stuff I write,
I presume no one outside Steve, my best friend,
and possibly my only true friend.
The only one that withholds judgement when I flounder and expose my truths,
and my struggle, and the hurt in my journeys,
The only one who calls,
and talks,
and laughs,
without expectation.
Except maybe the expectation, of hopefully the same in return.
25 years andd I have found one such friend,
and thank the fucking Universe that I ran into such a soul.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Welcoming Spring Committee
A fine day it is.
I'm gunna walk it out.
I'm waiting for Randy to rumble on in with that dusty, dirty, dilapidated diesel-doused pile of steel bones he calls "A Truck".
I love that truck. Fuck his beemer.
Anywho,
Keizer,
Randy,
and I
are going to go on a hike. Through the emerald forest that spikes and dips its way, in a thoughtful pattern, to Jason's mother's house.
I can't wait to see my puppy,
my mid-sized pile of fun.
My stupid, slobbering idiot of a love bug.
My biggest, silliest, twerkiest fan.
I'd say "quirkiest" but given a few years of my own past I do happen to know some tweakers and perma-fries.
Steve if you're reading this I miss you pal and I am sorry I didn't make a better effort to ditch what I was doing and come say goodbye. I think I was a little resentful given my current situation at that given time, and my out pour of effort into the program, which a jokes worth of a return when it came to social support from meetings. Also, you seem to be in a very different place, meeting different people, trying different things. Time always has time, and fortunately so do we, so I truly think that if it's all copacetic and meant to be we'll chat again, maybe even see eachother. It's happened to me with much less important folk.
Well the point of this post was for no one other than me (and Steve), and just the mere fact that I need to write more. I must, I should, I will, and I can. So here it is. For no other reason.
We've all got to start some where, right?
I'm gunna walk it out.
I'm waiting for Randy to rumble on in with that dusty, dirty, dilapidated diesel-doused pile of steel bones he calls "A Truck".
I love that truck. Fuck his beemer.
Anywho,
Keizer,
Randy,
and I
are going to go on a hike. Through the emerald forest that spikes and dips its way, in a thoughtful pattern, to Jason's mother's house.
I can't wait to see my puppy,
my mid-sized pile of fun.
My stupid, slobbering idiot of a love bug.
My biggest, silliest, twerkiest fan.
I'd say "quirkiest" but given a few years of my own past I do happen to know some tweakers and perma-fries.
Steve if you're reading this I miss you pal and I am sorry I didn't make a better effort to ditch what I was doing and come say goodbye. I think I was a little resentful given my current situation at that given time, and my out pour of effort into the program, which a jokes worth of a return when it came to social support from meetings. Also, you seem to be in a very different place, meeting different people, trying different things. Time always has time, and fortunately so do we, so I truly think that if it's all copacetic and meant to be we'll chat again, maybe even see eachother. It's happened to me with much less important folk.
Well the point of this post was for no one other than me (and Steve), and just the mere fact that I need to write more. I must, I should, I will, and I can. So here it is. For no other reason.
We've all got to start some where, right?
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Born Bad
I am dying,
dying slowly in a pile of milky flesh warm and cynical like white velvet left behind.
I am crying in the room I tried to make into a home,
i crammed, and scooted furniture, i read magazines that were recycled, i painted blood in and out of myself. I fucked and fought and cried in that room, THIS room, and I still can't find enough room ANYWHERE where I might fit.
Except for inside his hands,
in the crease of his palms.
Tucked away between the bristles of your tongue, as they part way for the smooth of your voice.
"I love you Mallory", you hint-you slide it out there with the intention and force of food handed through a door for an inmate. Like the best food they could have never expected-and you stand there intensely, watching me inhale those words, those consonants and vowels sweet like sustenance.
and I coo back to you with all the honor, joy, comfort, and warmth of the world that goddammit "I love you too Mickey". I roll the truth from the tip of my tongue, with all its hundred thousand bristles gently releasing my words back to you, so you can live off the sustenance of my love.
You are the only one I love. You are the only one I love. You are the only one I love to love...
And we eat together like fever hounds-lapping up the energy buzzing off of your aura-you nibble lovingly on the electric pain reliever I hope my love is for you. And it is. You paint my eyelids with scenarios of tremendous horrors, and all the terrible happenings that might make someone lose hope or hate themselves; you say "darling, if you lost all your arms and legs no one could take my love from you-even then, no one could pry my grip". You cry this to me, with your phantom limbs tracing the grooves where I've cried a generations worth of tearful rivers, deep into the lines of my face.
How could I not be lonely without you? You are the only Truth I've known that could stand the test of time-you never left me, you stayed, tattooed behind my lips. You lay nestled among my fingertips, reminding me of our journeys and adventures. Wherever I went there you were-more Truthful than the Sun and Moon. You were the laughter deep inside of me waiting to escape, while I tried to swim from your impostors. Some said I was Cool, some kept me trapped like a shivering bunny in a cage. Some mocked me, joking I was just like allll the other baby birds that had fallen from their nests.
But here you are, where we last were. Here you have been waiting, to give thanks with love letters of the mouth, and we lay muddled and excited as we drew near and canvassed adventures across each others necks. I could lay here forever with you, never blink, and never atrophy. Only the Truth can make you whole again like that.
And I couldn't bear it in my soul if I ever had to miss you again. Together, forever, until we die, and die, and die again.
See You Soon Mickey
dying slowly in a pile of milky flesh warm and cynical like white velvet left behind.
I am crying in the room I tried to make into a home,
i crammed, and scooted furniture, i read magazines that were recycled, i painted blood in and out of myself. I fucked and fought and cried in that room, THIS room, and I still can't find enough room ANYWHERE where I might fit.
Except for inside his hands,
in the crease of his palms.
Tucked away between the bristles of your tongue, as they part way for the smooth of your voice.
"I love you Mallory", you hint-you slide it out there with the intention and force of food handed through a door for an inmate. Like the best food they could have never expected-and you stand there intensely, watching me inhale those words, those consonants and vowels sweet like sustenance.
and I coo back to you with all the honor, joy, comfort, and warmth of the world that goddammit "I love you too Mickey". I roll the truth from the tip of my tongue, with all its hundred thousand bristles gently releasing my words back to you, so you can live off the sustenance of my love.
You are the only one I love. You are the only one I love. You are the only one I love to love...
And we eat together like fever hounds-lapping up the energy buzzing off of your aura-you nibble lovingly on the electric pain reliever I hope my love is for you. And it is. You paint my eyelids with scenarios of tremendous horrors, and all the terrible happenings that might make someone lose hope or hate themselves; you say "darling, if you lost all your arms and legs no one could take my love from you-even then, no one could pry my grip". You cry this to me, with your phantom limbs tracing the grooves where I've cried a generations worth of tearful rivers, deep into the lines of my face.
How could I not be lonely without you? You are the only Truth I've known that could stand the test of time-you never left me, you stayed, tattooed behind my lips. You lay nestled among my fingertips, reminding me of our journeys and adventures. Wherever I went there you were-more Truthful than the Sun and Moon. You were the laughter deep inside of me waiting to escape, while I tried to swim from your impostors. Some said I was Cool, some kept me trapped like a shivering bunny in a cage. Some mocked me, joking I was just like allll the other baby birds that had fallen from their nests.
But here you are, where we last were. Here you have been waiting, to give thanks with love letters of the mouth, and we lay muddled and excited as we drew near and canvassed adventures across each others necks. I could lay here forever with you, never blink, and never atrophy. Only the Truth can make you whole again like that.
And I couldn't bear it in my soul if I ever had to miss you again. Together, forever, until we die, and die, and die again.
See You Soon Mickey
Monday, January 12, 2015
rock hard.
"How Hard Is It To Love Someone"
How hard is it to love someone?
To stay feverishly in the wake of it all
Together,
How hard is it to love someone?
Wouldn't it be easier if you'd cupped your hands together too?
to find the pattern in the tears we catch.
Or do our hands differ too much?
Is this such a dexterous job of self-that which I have scheduled too many workers to, without even the means to pay them?
How hard is it to love someone...
Because of, and despite it all?
Easier it is to give your love away, I've sadly found;
than it is to fight to keep it your own.
That which we were born to accept.
How hard is it to love yourself?
The question is,
Why do I resist fighting for myself,
and wonder why no one else can?
How hard is it to love someone?
To stay feverishly in the wake of it all
Together,
How hard is it to love someone?
Wouldn't it be easier if you'd cupped your hands together too?
to find the pattern in the tears we catch.
Or do our hands differ too much?
Is this such a dexterous job of self-that which I have scheduled too many workers to, without even the means to pay them?
How hard is it to love someone...
Because of, and despite it all?
Easier it is to give your love away, I've sadly found;
than it is to fight to keep it your own.
That which we were born to accept.
How hard is it to love yourself?
The question is,
Why do I resist fighting for myself,
and wonder why no one else can?
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
In The Meantime.
ohhh fingers, how we'e missed writing eh?
A good ole war moie wil get you shivering and jonesing o splurge and purge huh Dal.
SO! muuuuch to say... and no willingness to fucking go there yet. I'm gunna pull a "Thomas" and soldier on. No pun intended. This is all life and death I'm pretty sure, and knowing myself I need atleast 3 days to process my reality; at least thats been the case my whole life.
I've returned to this slightly surreal lightness, where I'm comfortable faling up in my weirdness, bouncing around off the cracks in the sidewalks. I've got some goals, and I'm reaching them within normal timeframes, Odd. Im so human sometimes, it's a trip. I don't know what I THOUGHT I was, but thank God I can write in all my questionable moments as well. Josh is here. I miss that motherfucker.
I think the truth is I'm not weighted with who I've BEEN in Portland, nor trying to maintain some heroine facade for the public. I'm sorry loves, but you all can lovingly go fuck yourseles if you don't like my fucking flavor <3 I'm not as angry and hateful as I've always been, and I'm a far cry from the Walking Dangerfield Dead I'd surrendered to there for awhile. I'm alive again. Hurt, but not cornered. Cautious, but not paranoid. Any more...I'm on a conscious 2 week stall from that mind frame and insanity. I think 4 months will be more aper po but 2 weeks is a good fuckin' start.
p.s.: "golden light" by STRFKR
I'm ashamed and helpless at times when I realize how needy I've been when it comes to the dark part of life. I don't run as fast as I used to, and I don't hide as deeply, but there have still been those moments this last week where life bitch slapped me with what was, really, a beauitufl, freeing, hurtful realization that I have experienced two times too many. Maybe more.. oh yeah-I'm a fan of forgetting too haha. I slipped on my shades, and a beanie over my eyebrows, cursed the flourescent lighting and slipped into the night on back to a place my parents call "Home". I'll be free on my own soon. I can't wait to miss them. Fuck it, who doesnt like to miss what we love right? The whole fucking world apparently I've learned recently. I guess I'm learning a bit about that shit right now.
But I can breath for the first time in months, fuckin' truly, and it has nothing so much to do with the specifics of my situatuon. It's so much more of the simple, basic fact, that I cause my own sufffering. And I tend to assign long terms for it. I'm on break right now. Like I said, me and paranoia are on a two week parting of ways. We like to miss what we love the world has taught me. A little rearranging and I've caught up I guess. Is it obvious enough I didnt take a second thought to possibly missing myself. Wild open space...bombs away<3
</3 DTM.
A good ole war moie wil get you shivering and jonesing o splurge and purge huh Dal.
SO! muuuuch to say... and no willingness to fucking go there yet. I'm gunna pull a "Thomas" and soldier on. No pun intended. This is all life and death I'm pretty sure, and knowing myself I need atleast 3 days to process my reality; at least thats been the case my whole life.
I've returned to this slightly surreal lightness, where I'm comfortable faling up in my weirdness, bouncing around off the cracks in the sidewalks. I've got some goals, and I'm reaching them within normal timeframes, Odd. Im so human sometimes, it's a trip. I don't know what I THOUGHT I was, but thank God I can write in all my questionable moments as well. Josh is here. I miss that motherfucker.
I think the truth is I'm not weighted with who I've BEEN in Portland, nor trying to maintain some heroine facade for the public. I'm sorry loves, but you all can lovingly go fuck yourseles if you don't like my fucking flavor <3 I'm not as angry and hateful as I've always been, and I'm a far cry from the Walking Dangerfield Dead I'd surrendered to there for awhile. I'm alive again. Hurt, but not cornered. Cautious, but not paranoid. Any more...I'm on a conscious 2 week stall from that mind frame and insanity. I think 4 months will be more aper po but 2 weeks is a good fuckin' start.
p.s.: "golden light" by STRFKR
I'm ashamed and helpless at times when I realize how needy I've been when it comes to the dark part of life. I don't run as fast as I used to, and I don't hide as deeply, but there have still been those moments this last week where life bitch slapped me with what was, really, a beauitufl, freeing, hurtful realization that I have experienced two times too many. Maybe more.. oh yeah-I'm a fan of forgetting too haha. I slipped on my shades, and a beanie over my eyebrows, cursed the flourescent lighting and slipped into the night on back to a place my parents call "Home". I'll be free on my own soon. I can't wait to miss them. Fuck it, who doesnt like to miss what we love right? The whole fucking world apparently I've learned recently. I guess I'm learning a bit about that shit right now.
But I can breath for the first time in months, fuckin' truly, and it has nothing so much to do with the specifics of my situatuon. It's so much more of the simple, basic fact, that I cause my own sufffering. And I tend to assign long terms for it. I'm on break right now. Like I said, me and paranoia are on a two week parting of ways. We like to miss what we love the world has taught me. A little rearranging and I've caught up I guess. Is it obvious enough I didnt take a second thought to possibly missing myself. Wild open space...bombs away<3
</3 DTM.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
ecstasy, as we gown down, slowly. . .
HI FRANZ! *no ones there*
That's okay. Here's a quick recollection of the wonders of the recent times-so that I can reflect during the future harder ones to come. Inevitably.
My boyfriend is a superhero, but people call him Fudge. I'm eating peanuts.
Actually...I'm thinking about renigging on that decision to reflect over my week...
It's been nuts. I'm listening to STRFKR as I tell you that one of my best friends tried to kill himself I found out today. Nameless, shameless, we all struggle. This struggle is all too surreal and too real all at the same time for me. First it was mom, then Todd, then little Me as the invincible version of the Princess and the Pea...Dad, little sister, ex boyfriend #1, #2. I stopped #3 from jumping off the roof of that building downtown and when #4 said "I'M GUNNA JUMP!" I was tired. I told him, "just do it then", and ThankFuckingGod he didnt. Because we wouldnt be where we are today. Say what you mean Dallas. Be cautious the power of the vessel you choose. We are mightier than we think, even when we are weak. Still eating peanuts. All suicide aside; my boyfriend is a superhero and Karen O likes to serenade me YouTube style with songs dedicated to my better "Hysteric" moments. Very reminiscent of Cat Power. Hang Heavy, you suddenly complete me, you suddenly complete me. A FUCKING SUPERHERO! HE HAS CHANGED SHAPES! He can fly without wings when he's in crazy situations-he calls on vastly more powerful morals than that of a human being. HE'S A SUPERHERO. He preaches the truth when others are scared of it. He doesn't bask in lies, or the shadows of dark sides. HE IS A SUPERHERO- I recognize him because over the years I've lived off a diet of Iron and Wine and I've been looking for a superman. He is something different, and I don't think I full really truly realized his capabilities until he stepped into the light. I can stroll along, whistling like a spiritual gangster floating on air and the Nike's my boyfriend bought me, singing "MY BOYFRIEND IS A SUPERHERO AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT WAS HIM!". He's been saving my ass for so long, I think I neglected to truly give him credit for all the good he has inside. I just have always thought he was beautiful anyways, but it's glaring now. Like the sun, except he just doesn't burn my eyes. I drink him up through blue pools, and feed my quiet halftime soul. Celebrate? 90 reasons a day, until I owe him more! vague vague vague-cunt, and prettttyyyyy (my make up was returned to me). I think the chances of that was like 1/100 addicts? lucky duck.
<3 goose *smack & RUN*
That's okay. Here's a quick recollection of the wonders of the recent times-so that I can reflect during the future harder ones to come. Inevitably.
My boyfriend is a superhero, but people call him Fudge. I'm eating peanuts.
Actually...I'm thinking about renigging on that decision to reflect over my week...
It's been nuts. I'm listening to STRFKR as I tell you that one of my best friends tried to kill himself I found out today. Nameless, shameless, we all struggle. This struggle is all too surreal and too real all at the same time for me. First it was mom, then Todd, then little Me as the invincible version of the Princess and the Pea...Dad, little sister, ex boyfriend #1, #2. I stopped #3 from jumping off the roof of that building downtown and when #4 said "I'M GUNNA JUMP!" I was tired. I told him, "just do it then", and ThankFuckingGod he didnt. Because we wouldnt be where we are today. Say what you mean Dallas. Be cautious the power of the vessel you choose. We are mightier than we think, even when we are weak. Still eating peanuts. All suicide aside; my boyfriend is a superhero and Karen O likes to serenade me YouTube style with songs dedicated to my better "Hysteric" moments. Very reminiscent of Cat Power. Hang Heavy, you suddenly complete me, you suddenly complete me. A FUCKING SUPERHERO! HE HAS CHANGED SHAPES! He can fly without wings when he's in crazy situations-he calls on vastly more powerful morals than that of a human being. HE'S A SUPERHERO. He preaches the truth when others are scared of it. He doesn't bask in lies, or the shadows of dark sides. HE IS A SUPERHERO- I recognize him because over the years I've lived off a diet of Iron and Wine and I've been looking for a superman. He is something different, and I don't think I full really truly realized his capabilities until he stepped into the light. I can stroll along, whistling like a spiritual gangster floating on air and the Nike's my boyfriend bought me, singing "MY BOYFRIEND IS A SUPERHERO AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT WAS HIM!". He's been saving my ass for so long, I think I neglected to truly give him credit for all the good he has inside. I just have always thought he was beautiful anyways, but it's glaring now. Like the sun, except he just doesn't burn my eyes. I drink him up through blue pools, and feed my quiet halftime soul. Celebrate? 90 reasons a day, until I owe him more! vague vague vague-cunt, and prettttyyyyy (my make up was returned to me). I think the chances of that was like 1/100 addicts? lucky duck.
<3 goose *smack & RUN*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)